Primate FocusOriginal 2024
Why do my stocks keep going down?
Sam confronts the mystery of why apparently everyone else can boast about successful trading while his own investments continue heading in the opposite direction.
Archive 2024
Original editionOriginal 2024
Men Have Hormones? and other questions that prove you’re bigoted!!
Sam develops an entirely fictional theory in which the male hormonal cycle completes every 24 hours, turning ordinary male moodiness into an alleged feat of physiological endurance.
Original 2024
Remembering Remembrance day, a retrospect (in remembrance)
Ross turns Remembrance Day into a recursive meditation on what it means to remember, especially events we did not experience ourselves.
Original 2024
BREAKING: Gnomes Declare for Palestine as Rival Protestors Clash in Merseyside
A field report treats the arrival of several inflatable gnomes at a Merseyside protest as a major geopolitical intervention, complete with unnamed sources, police uncertainty and a sombre local reaction.
Original 2024
England: A Nation of Bottlejobs
Ross asks why England so often seems to lose the big ones, ranging from Hastings and the Hundred Years’ War to EURO 2020.
Original 2024
Labour suspends MP after CCTV appears to show him punching man
A deliberately minimal breaking-news item on the Mike Amesbury CCTV story, with Primate Focus openly conceding that readers heard it there last.
Original 2024
Trains
Nic announces a supposed love of train travel and immediately undermines the premise in two sentences.
Original 2024
Every School Had Their Own David Beckham — And it Wasn’t You
A portrait of the impossibly well-rounded schoolboy who was handsome, athletic, charming, academically competent and probably grew up to drive something expensive.
Original 2024
‘Somehow simultaneously both maxing and relaxing’: Hypervigilance from self-induced paranoia and how it can be used to maximise efficiency in the Carolingian workplace.
Ross proposes treating every office interaction as an existential threat in order to restore the high-stress conditions supposedly required by the modern primate for peak productivity.
Original 2024
Be Aware of Gambling – 24/7.
Sam turns the language of responsible gambling inside out, focusing on the odd coexistence of caring warning slogans and gambling products available around the clock.